it was a dark and stormy night...

life is a funny way of helpting you out.

ahhh. norah jones. coffee ice cream. it's nice.

so, for this so called "career" that is required of me (if I decide it is for the best that I can eat and pay for my children to go to college), I think i am going in the direction of international relations. maybe with a minor in socioligy, social anthropology, languages, arcgitecture, or art....hmm....

but i also want to take some coarses on cooking arts. and dance. and oil painting.

or maybe i'll go to europe and skip around different colleges and learn the cultures and then start writing novels. maybe i could find another face of God in another country.

i think every person shows a different characteristic of God....some many, some few. because God is multi-faceted. and the varried array of cultures and life is just a manifestation of  God being polite and boistrous and articulate and cute and enchanting and silly.

i want to write novels. i want to write about love. and about people, and people who are small and some who are crazy others that are extreemly talented, some who are just curious. maybe a crazy character could have a pet sloth. and the talanted one could run away. or find burried treasure. i think the small one should be found in the rain by her love, and they kiss, in the rain. like in breakfast at tiffany's. and then the bass player in the band decides to go to europe to pursue his painting career.

i think it's about that time in the story when i go to bed, because it is most needed.

my scottish hero.

I just finished watching Braveheart for the first time. ooo, it is hott. that movie speaks something to my soul about life and passion.

"And you'll die in your beds. But would you give up every day from then 'til now to know that you took the chance to die for freedom?"

"Every man dies, but not every man really lives."

"they fought like poet countrymen. they fough like scottish men. they fought for freedom."

I want a man who has a passion, and isn't scared of the things that could take away things that aren't going to last. I want a man who isn't scared to be everything he was created to be, and live for it everyday. I want a man who can encourage other men to be passionate about the things that matter, and to abandon the things that are only holding them back from really living. I want a man who will take me away from myself on an adventure, and be all the more masculin for it. i want to share in something much bigger than my own life.

I can't believe that I haven't watched this movie until now. I can't believe some people never live like this, and i can't believe that I get the chance to live like this. everyday. i get a chance to really live.

growing up slowly.

so yes, my mom reads my xanga. i was informed this by none other than herself. not a smart move....good thing i don't write about my wild night life on here...oh, that would get messy! ...........

ooo, i feel like my life is a tragic joke sometimes. one of those ones that is so funny because it's so sucky. like the guy who beat his neighbor-lesbians to death with his frozen dog. yeah, real sad, but the reason it's so funny is because it's so screwed up.

i just feel extreemly alone. yes, even in a house of 7 people, i wish i could just take my friends home with me so i never have to be alone. yes, i know being married will by hard, but falling asleep every night with someone will be nice. i can't wait to find somebody that really likes me. alicia. not who he wants me to be, not who i want me to be, but who i am. my passions. my not-perfect body. my off-tune voice. my stupid jokes. i can't believe that there's anybody out there who will love me, as needy and disgusting and not funny as i am. but i really want it, oh so much. yes, and i want kisses much, too. very much so. send some my way if you've got some. thanks!

kisses.

This is my myspace post for tonight...just thought you'd like to know.

where do i go to get these answers? how can i get on the wait list for adventure? one thing i do know is that i need some real love now, i need real kisses now.

i don't want to get drunk as hell and make-out with a stranger. i want love. deep, relational, understanding, faithful, passionate, hot, sexy and real. i want real kisses. not drunk ones. not fake ones. not selfish ones, where my kisses are taken. but where i'm given kisses, and i serve 'em right back.

i want life. i want to know how to ask the best questions, and how to accept my wrong answers. i want an adventure, a mission. not a sneaky adventure. a larger than life adventure, where i love it so much i get people around me caught up in the passion of it as well.

somehow i feel like my messy and stupid-crazy random life will come together one day, maybe even before i die, and it'll make sense to me. why i had to have me heart broken. why my family was so messed up. why i couldn't have a romance when i felt like i needed it the most. why i wasn't beautiful. maybe one day i will be beautiful just because i had lived without beauty for so long... maybe there is more to my life than i can see. maybe the day i become beautiful i will finally find my soul. maybe the day i see myself as beautiful, i finally will be. maybe i will see myself as beautiful when i finally reach into my soul and find where i am. where my soul is. where all things i truly love and mostly relationships i keep treasured up...there in my soul it is beautiful.

what is keeping me from my soul?

Make-out.